February 1st is a big day for me. While I began walking through an unexpected phase of life prior to this exact date, today I specifically celebrate one year of overcoming being forced out of a situation I didn’t know I needed saving from. One year of trying to conquer my deepest valley and the darkest season of my life. One year of battle, fighting to gain my strength and joy back. One year of suffering through a very emotionally draining experience that sucked the life out of me and even my family. One year of heartbreak, grief, mental and physical exhaustion, and sadness. One year of big changes, scary transitions, too many gut wrenching tears, and learning how to be on my own again.
Never in my life do I want to feel the excruciating heartache and pain again that I felt one year ago today when my husband of almost 3 years, my best friend for almost 8 years… did not choose me, but instead chose a life and future that did not include me in it, and that was the last day I saw him. The details of what I went through months before this and even after this day will remain private-no need to share all the personal details…but I lost my entire world that day. It was flipped completely upside down. And those 48 hours I will never forget. I felt dead inside.
While I still don’t have the answers as to why things like this happen and never will, I do know that God is faithful and His plan for me is much greater than what I ever expected. Somehow, through every battle I fought through the hellhole that was the end of my marriage, through the separation, through the divorce, after the divorce, through the healing… I still had my faith, I still found hope, I still found joy, and I still believed in the kind of love that I know I deserve. I deserve the very powerful UNCONDITIONAL love that I know exists and I know I will get that at the right time. I still believe in the sanctity of marriage- no man will take that away from me. I still believe in my fruitful, fulfilling, bright future. I believe that the ingredients to finding joy after your spirit has been crushed is a lot of: prayer, surrounding yourself with loved ones, positive thinking, and seeing a therapist. I believe I went through all of the things I wouldn’t wish on anyone FOR A PURPOSE. If God wants to use ME for good, to help others through similar challenges or with healing, then I am blessed. I want to be His hands and His heart in any way possible and if pain is what gets me to the next level to really take action and do His work, then bring it on, Jesus! I am resilient AF and that has been a really incredible thing to learn about myself. While I am still healing, repairing my heart, rebuilding my little world of glitter and sunshine, and learning how to survive on my own solely through my faith with the support of my selfless amazing family- I have never been more confident in who I am, in my relationship with the Lord, or so sure of the amazing things I am built for and called to do.
Most of the year I felt ashamed and embarrassed of what happened. I was so happy for so long with this person and then all of a sudden everything changed and while I still had to come to terms with a shocking reality, I also knew people were going to question my situation, judge me for it, and talk about it… while also feeling completely defeated and trying to overcome rejection, abandonment, and betrayal from the one person I trusted most in this world. Then I realized WTF. These feelings all relate in some way and it’s all about feeling the need to have other people’s approval and acceptance. But reality is- this is MY life and nobody cares about MY life as much as I do and I don’t need anybody’s approval but His.
This experience has been humbling and enlightening in many ways. THIS is blooming. THIS is developing the wings. THIS is the climb. If you’re in the same boat as me or maybe just starting to feel that wave about to smack you in the face… you are not alone. But it’s up to YOU to steer the boat, to take that wave to the face like a champ, to fight and never give up. You were meant to be going through the pain, you were meant to experience whatever is happening in your life right now. And you will come out more powerful and joyful on the other side. God will never steer you wrong and will never stop holding your hand. It’s easy to question, “WHY THE HECK is this happening to ME!?”, but we may not understand until something better comes into our lives and makes everything in our past make so much sense. We might not ever understand, but just have to trust the path He has taken us down.
I want to let you in on a special, magical little moment that happened to me on this day last year, something I will always hold close to my heart and hopefully lift someone’s spirits. A God moment. A message clear as day. When I woke up on February 1, 2020, I was alone on the couch in silence and I already had a bad feeling about what the day was going to bring. I turned to my devotional, February 1st. And here was my message…
Need I say more? WOW. Right after that, everything happened, everything changed. My life took an abrupt turn, I was equipped for the strenuous climb, I have been preserved in all my ways, I feel His angels over, and now I know it for sure- “with my God, I can scale a wall.” SO much truth behind that.
Opening up about this life altering season feels freeing in a way. I have held back from being too personal and open with people and on social media since October 2019 when things started to become difficult in my marriage. Then all of a sudden I had to make him disappear, clear him out of my business and my life. It was like everything went from 0-100 and all of a sudden I was hiding a big piece of my heart because it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to share and I wasn’t ready for it. Now it’s on my heart to be more open, connect with those who can relate, support those who need it, and share my story in ways that allow you to really get to know me on a deeper level. Through sharing my story with select people over the past year, one thing I’ve learned is that I am definitely not the only person who has experienced something like this, who has experienced divorce at a young age. Our stories are all different, but we all have A LOT in common- we all got married expecting to be with that person for the rest of our lives and then it ended in disappointment and heartbreak. A lot of us never considered divorce an option, like EVER. A lot of us feel like the most special and sacred moments of our lives were taken from us. Most of us are just praying we can heal from the trauma and find the really one true love of our lives. We are just human, trying to move on and remain optimistic for our future. We can ALL connect on many different levels, no matter HOW it happened. Friends, don’t be afraid to reach out, don’t be afraid to share your heart with me, because trust me- it’s not easy and writing this wasn’t easy either, but it IS therapeutic and good for the soul. I am here for you when you need someone.
Thank you for reading if you’ve gotten this far, thank you for being a part of my life and my business, and thank you for the support as I am still rebuilding WHILE rejoicing. Hugs to all ❤️